Bastards on zodiac signs. Female look at menBastards on zodiac signs. Female look at men)). We present to your attention a female look at what men are bastards according to their zodiac sign. We immediately warn that the characteristic is not flattering.
Particularly nervous men are not recommended to read!

Let’s take this horoscope in a comic manner, but not seriously.

Aries (03.21 to 04.20)

The bastard Aries, he is not only a ram according to the horoscope, but he is also a complete ram in life. Able only in advance. Directness raised to indecent dimensions. And in combination with aggressiveness, an explosive cocktail is obtained that constantly threatens to explode and drown everyone who has the imprudence to be nearby.
He doesn’t have his own will, but the stranger also does not give in, all he can do is beat his ram’s head against the wall. These bastards are not aware that the wall can be circumvented or, at worst, look for the door …

To himself, this bastard thinks that he is a representative of an endangered variety of men called a “real man”, so he considers it unnecessary to monitor his appearance, take a shower and use a deodorant, he does not even seem to know about the existence of the latter. If you have chosen the bastard Aries to be your companion, then get ready to clean his ears and cut his nails like a little son, because he himself will never do it. Imagining himself brutal and attractive, he will make fun of any male who visits a hairdresser more often than once every half a year. It is these guys who believe that if a man buys scented candles, then he is a regular in gay clubs.

All Aries men are happy to hang out in the pubs with friends. And even the most terrible homophobic without any hesitation will begin to sentimental in their society when he yells. In truth, you yourself will see that this is an elementary example of latent homosexuality: after all, your chosen one embraces and kisses more often than with you.

You can’t categorically trust money in Aries, they will all drink, lose, plant, and themselves will not notice how and where. You will have to give them a little pocket money, like children to school, otherwise you risk being left without funds. These bastards are mota ones.

Suppose, unfortunately, you managed to stay alone with Aries in a closed space. In this case, it is best to smile as stupid as possible and nod at certain intervals, because he will most likely not give you his mouth open, talkative to horror. So he will spend hours talking about himself beloved or about his problems, he will tell you all the ins and outs of his family, everything about his health, career, his sports achievements and all this will pour from him in an endless stream.

His efforts to win your favor resemble the behavior of a gorilla. But wouldn’t it be flattering to you that you were awakened at three in the morning and you should see his overgrown physiognomy, which sticks out in the window of your bedroom on the fifth floor? Especially if at this moment you entertain a male guest, one hundred percent heterosexual?

Remember: if he behaves modestly, it means that just the task is quite difficult, and he needs to strain his frontal lobes a lot. Soon it will pass, and he will again turn into a noisy and violent dork, scratching his crotch. You should always show the gentle femininity of your nature, so as not to hurt his male pride and not to scare

If you threw it

He will not leave you alone, since it would never occur to him that you have neglected his incredible animal magnetism. Run and do not stop. Sooner or later he will stumble and fall.

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Taurus (21.04 to 21.05)

If suddenly you had a sad experience with someone from hopeless bastards (and here, for obvious reasons, they come to mind: Aries, Scorpio and Pisces), then no one better than Taurus can calm your shaky nerves. We declare with all responsibility that at this stage it is a thorough boring or boring thoroughness that can heal freshly wounded and inspire hope for a better fate.

A bastard Taurus is such a daddy who knows better than you what you need, where you need it and when you need it. And at first, his care fascinates and reassures, because it is so comfortable to feel protected by the responsibility of a strong man who will make all the necessary decisions for you.

But over time, you begin to notice that you are turning into a little girl, for which he decides everything, your dad-Taurus, with all his bullish peremptoryness and pressure. Over the years, you run the risk of becoming a mental baby, with whom they even stop talking as unnecessary. But it will be later, but for now you can relax and let you bring you a cup of hot green tea as a sedative (do not count on a glass of brandy – not that type).

Sit and listen to his moralizing, because he warned you, because he knew that it would be so, and you did not obey, that’s why you hurt yourself about the previous bastard.

And here, just in case, we must remind you that the Taurus were Hitler and Lenin. And your Taurus may not be a tyrant of universal scale, but that he is a tyrant is for sure. Therefore, be afraid to cause his jealousy, the consequences can be horrific.

Justify yourself even before the second coming, but since Taurus has decided something, it is impossible to convince him. Verbal threats, the use of kitchen appliances and other electrical equipment will be useless until you find jail time for killing preferable to having to put up with his ram stubbornness. However, be careful when attempting to kill Taurus and not bringing it to a successful conclusion, you risk the whole life to endure his persecution. If Taurus gets anything into his head, you will never hear that he abandoned his venture. Taurus will trample through, no matter what. You will not frighten Taurus either by the fact that he will be imprisoned, or by the fact that his mother will fall out of love.

Here we can give only one piece of advice: you will be able to stop the process of rapid destruction of your mental health when you start excitedly screaming crazy phrases. Then Taurus will change his behavior and finally bring benefits, rushing to look for you a psychiatrist.

If you threw it

He will wait patiently when you realize your terrible mistake. Without waiting, Taurus will continue to stubbornly wait for the desired.

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Gemini (May 22 to June 21)

Close relationships do not seduce the bastard Gemini at all. Hours in the same society is terribly burdensome for him. He gasps for intimacy. Monogamous existence sucks all the juices out of it. The generally accepted rules seem foolish to him. And the thought of spending time only with you alone, generally scares him to the extreme. What if you get close? And then you will want to look deep into his soul. He is very afraid of this, because he himself does not quite understand what is inside of him. We bet – there he has a black hole initially. It is for this reason that he prefers to keep you at a distance as a simple acquaintance. Even after you marry him.

However, there is a convincing excuse for such behavior: he is obsessed. No, do not rush to summon exorcists. Neither medieval chants, nor holy water, nor crucifixes are needed. Everything is much worse. Inside, the twin bastard has many demons – a darkness of personalities, each of which can be considered a full-fledged bastard.

First , he goes first because he needs to go to bed early. He stayed forever at the age of four, and behaves like an angel, then like an unbearable devil – in the form of the first he dwells when he sleeps, in the guise of the second – when he is awake. He makes all decisions regarding finances, family matters and your relationship. In the Cause itself he rules everything that matters. In all other respects, he is an ordinary four-year-old child, unable to take care of himself. The time spent in his company resembles ordinary games with four-year-olds that end in tears – your tears caused by deadly disappointment.

Probably, a psychiatrist would diagnose the First on the basis that he does not want to grow up and take responsibility for his life. Whether this is true or not, the first is by nature a minor person, therefore, cannot be held accountable either by you or by law.

Next comes the Second – an absolutely incredible type. This is a used car seller. Very, very good seller. That is why you contacted the bastard Gemini. He superbly manages to sell things that nobody needs. When you, looking into Gemini’s face, say that you do not believe (it should be sobbed) in the sincerity of his feelings for you, the Second will jump up with eloquent assurances of his loyalty. And he will seem to you so sincere and convincing that you will immediately believe him.

Yes, but did you meet the Third? Love the third. He earns enough. He is the heart and soul of any party that serves a double martini with vodka. He shows an increased interest in other people, not just you. No more than five minutes to each. If it seems somewhat superficial, it is only because it is in reality. “Other people” adore the Third and invite him everywhere, thereby encouraging him to be even more annoying.

But the Fourth , on the contrary, is not at all popular. He is nervous, restless, and he always wants to drink something strong. He always appears where there is a tense or explosive situation, and begins to fuss foolishly.

The Fifth is much more useful. Prosecutors are always of great use. When the Twin feels cornered (and you already think that you have finally pressed him against the wall), the Fifth comes to the rescue. He is distinguished by logic, cynicism and heartlessness. He is able to make you confess to committing crimes that you have never heard of. Unfortunately for justice, his undisputed talent serves only to prosecute the victim. And if we talk about personal relationships with Gemini, then the sacrifice is always you.

The Sixth is the last in order and importance . The chief sorcerer, Dragon Slayer, Defender of the Universe and Guardian of the legendary golden sphere (the one to which the note is glued: “Use in the event of the complete destruction of humanity. To save the world, press the blue button. If you really want to”). We admit that we don’t know how Sixth will carry out its mission. Officially, he is considered responsible for replacing light bulbs, changing ice trays and performing other simple household chores (but, of course, the person on whom the fate of the Universe depends is hardly well versed in everyday things). In addition, we suspect that one of his duties is to listen when wives or girlfriends want to “talk.”

So, now you know that your bastard Gemini doesn’t care about you at all: simply the Sixth is not always able to solve your problems, because at the right time it may be in another reality. Earthly difficulties will seem small and insignificant if you imagine them somewhere far, far away. And what use can be expected from a man named Sixth? (Attention: The sixth is famous for its ability to move in the space-time continuum – and all for the sake of dates).

All these individuals collaborate with each other. Each of them condones the other with regard to unseemly behavior, pushes to crazy freaks, and they all appear in incomprehensible order in order to torment you.

It is precisely because the Twin lives in such a mess that he constantly changes his mind and plans. What he says today will lose all meaning tomorrow, and even today will mean little. Consider this a natural result of the vital necessity that accompanies the Twin, because he has to get along with all his conflicting natures. Or, such inconstancy can be perceived as the result of his duplicity, hypocrisy and deceit. However, thank God, some things can be confidently said that they are invariably inherent in the identity of the twin bastard.

These are the common properties that unite all the diverse nature of the Twin: they never, never make mistakes. They are never, never to blame. And they never, never stop their attention for more than fifteen minutes.

If you threw it

The twin will suddenly realize that he had a deep feeling for you. And this feeling you hurt. Deadly. It is irreparable. His heart is broken. His soul is trampled. His life has lost its meaning. How could you do this to him, you … you … what is your name, again?

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Cancer (June 22 to July 22)

Dear mommy!

I hope you all are well. I’m fine, but I really want you to be around. Last weekend lasted forever. I recently met a girl who, in my opinion, I need. Like you, she is very pretty and very cute. I am sure that you and her will get along quickly, like a house with fire.

Always your loving son, Cancer.

Well, we ourselves could not explain better. You are the house, she is the flame. Now guess which one of you will last longer.

Although for the sake of justice it should be said that any mother loves her son and therefore secretly does not like his chosen one. In turn, any son secretly loves his mother and does not like his chosen one. However, every boy should, at least out of decency, portray embarrassment when mom combes her hair and wipes his face with a lace handkerchief made by her own hands. And the boy, meanwhile, is thirty-eight years old.

However, we are not talking about an adult man here, are we? We are discussing Cancer. So, if you just managed to fall in love with this, we wish you good luck. Let’s hope that the old hag lives in another city. Otherwise, she would constantly rattle somewhere nearby, and you would not have the slightest chance. The bastard Cancer’s relationship with his mother is the cornerstone of his existence . He clings to his mother’s apron so much that, in comparison, Oedipus seems to be a well-balanced, independent person who left home at an early age and only accidentally recalled the need to send his mother a birthday card.

Cancer either loves her mom to madness, and then no woman will be able to wedge between them; or hates her womb and therefore loathes those 56 percent of the world’s population who can bear children.

It is probably better if your Cancer is closer to the second option, because in this case it is so disgusting that you will never want to be in its company at all. Unfortunately, most likely, he will constantly yawn next to this witch and her coven, thereby giving his mom the opportunity to track your every wrong step. Now consider: You will never be good enough for her son. That is what she will taldychit him. And then he orders him to convey her opinion to you. This is what makes Cancer postpone your acquaintance with his mom as long as possible, and such behavior of this absolutely spineless type should only be admired and, of course, support his decision.

When you meet mom, Cancer will exude honey. However, if you look very, very carefully at the wart on the tip of her nose, and in general her whole appearance, then you will immediately understand where the expression “son of a bitch” came from.

She generously puts you on a plate kilograms of kilojoules in the hope that you will get fat as she is. Then, when you refuse the second portion, with benevolence inquires whether you have indigestion.

When Cancer shows a clear desire to rush to your aid, mom will nail him to the place with such a close look that you suddenly have an urge to look into the dictionary and find out the exact meaning of the word “gimlet”.

In order to provide Cancer with the hothouse conditions of existence for which, in the opinion of Cancer’s mother, he has the right to be born, she never requires him to pay for the service. Therefore, over time, Cancer began to enjoy the process of accumulating money. And since the crazy harpy also does not welcome his ambitious plans too and, having matured, he cannot achieve a well-paid job (otherwise, Cancer will fly out of the nest), he had to turn into an incredible miser to accumulate great wealth.

If you threw it

With screams and screams, he will run to his mother, and she tells him to ask you for all the gifts that he bought for her retirement – however, you still do not need the book “1000 Simple Recipes,” do you?

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Leo (23.07 to 23.08)

How to identify Leo

Its appearance is always preceded by a drumming. If you missed the arrival of Leo, you will always find it in the very center of the rays of the searchlight. A lion cannot be overlooked – even without two leading performances that would show him from both sides. You should also see the hand of the Lord above his head, displaying in the air a message created from the clouds: “Women of the whole world! Here is a gift from Me to you. Regards, Lord God. PS I also give it to those who do not believe in Me. ”

Where to find Leo

In any place where there is an audience consisting of at least one person.

How to attract the attention of Leo

Look at him with awe and amazement, absolutely sincerely exclaiming: “My God, what a prominent and strong man!”, “Oh, how I would like to be as smart / resourceful / brave as you are!” And “You are a famous movie actor , yes? ”You can also wear a large mirror on your neck and say nothing at all.

First date

The first date will bring quite a pleasant experience. It is unlikely that you will have time to hear all his stories about yourself, which is why they will seem quite entertaining to you. Even during the second date, when Leo will repeat them again, these stories can be listened to without irritation.

When to do it

During the third date, you will have to do something to avoid having to listen to his biography again, and sex is a great way to silence Leo. Of course, earplugs or refusal to meet with him will have the same effect, but we proceed from the premise shared by Leo himself – that after two meetings you will fall madly in love with him and you can’t imagine life without him.

When to start a conversation about marriage

He will decide when you want to marry him. Be prepared to say with bated breath: “Oh yes, I agree” when he tells you the place and date of the wedding. Then, when Leo shows a lace ugliness that you should put on, pretend that your tears are tears of joy. And portray an enthusiastic gratitude when Leo will allow you to choose one bridesmaid – in addition to the six that he has already selected.

If he left you

Do you really dare to abandon such a coveted and adored place at the feet of Leo? Have you really talked with full detailed sentences with another man (it doesn’t matter that this is your lover’s brother)? Do you really think differently than Leo? And do you really laugh at him when he doesn’t want to be funny at all? Well then, there is nothing surprising. This is what was to be expected.

If you threw it

So that you have a similar desire? In reality, this cannot happen for anything and under any circumstances.

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Virgo (08.24 to 09.09)

Have you ever wondered what is going on in the head of a serial killer? You can find out what psychology is struggling with when meeting with the bastard Virgo. Once you have set out to succeed in terms of psychopathy, you should:
a) be happy to repeat the same tedious task, while disconnecting your brains;
b) differ in unhealthy attention to the smallest details – such that for normal people living a full life, they are of no interest;
c) be too pachyderms not to notice acquaintances who at the sight of you pass to the other side of the street;
d) compile checklists in order to make sure that you are carrying out all your threats.

If at the moment you are in love with a man born under the sign of Virgo and do not want to believe the truth (he seems so nice, calm and modest fellow), then look into any detective novel that tells about a psycho wielding a knife for chopping ice. Now try to argue that none of your friends are like this character and that you just have a set of disturbing coincidences.

Let’s stop at them, leaving aside cumbersome generalizations and streamlined formulations. For us, the details are paramount. The serial killer Virgo acquired all his strange habits in childhood. Even if you replace tearing off the wings of insects with collecting stamps, bedwetting with a needle, and a passion for arson with an unhealthy interest in algebra, you still have to admit that the similarity is quite frightening.

This potential Bates (the hero of the film Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho”) is so deeply disgusted that even Virgo’s mother constantly persuades him to take sweets from strangers and tries in every possible way to lose him in huge supermarkets. With some luck, he would follow her advice to cross the street only at a red light, and the poor thing would no longer have to listen to him how to defrost a refrigerator properly.

An adult Virgo has difficulties with women (by the way, this is another well-worn argument that allows the average psycho to justify his asocial behavior when he is finally caught by a fat, constantly smoking alcoholic detective). It is the piercing gaze of Virgo that almost immediately turns you into a trembling receptacle of neurosis. Of course, you can have sex and turn off the light, but then you will not see how his hand reaches under the bed for a knife for chopping ice.

Undoubtedly, the Virgo man will examine your habits under a microscope. If you are one of those girls for whom to do the cleaning, it means waving a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the living room, you will bring the companion Virgo to madness (this will take a little effort). The same thing will happen if you, while cleaning the bath, rub it with a bar of soap and rinse with a shower – and here get ready for trouble.

Of course, we cannot even assume for a moment that you will fall into his list of accomplished plans. Although look at this option from the attractive side: in the long run, becoming a victim of a killer is less painful than tolerating his continuous discontent. Virgin’s unhealthy attention to the hygiene of your home borders on pathology. The reason for this attitude is clear to everyone except fat investigators looking for serial killers.

Virgo’s attitude to money is a forbidden topic (a well-organized whisper should begin here).

We will sin very much against the truth by declaring Virgo a merchant. “Stinginess”, a completely harmless word, does not even remotely convey the degree of stinginess of this bastard. He should be considered a monstrous miser, capable of stealing a trifle from a blind man’s hat if the poor beggar does not see anything.

The bastard Virgo is very kind to his cash and will not take it for anything, leaving home. However, he will gladly allow you to spend your own money – as a rule, on expensive suits that will replace his old, blood-stained wardrobe, given to dry cleaners.

As for all the abominable features of behavior, there is a long-standing psychological explanation for such mean-spirited ways: since the “clients” do not pay him for the work performed for their own good, and do not mention him in his wills, Virgo is forced to be greedy for money.

In order to reduce this protracted murder story, we note: the only thing that Virgo readily spends her and / or your money on is personal toilet articles, cleaning products for homework, and, of course, infernal knives for chopping ice.

If you threw it

At heart, he will be mortally wounded. And when it seems to you that you got rid of him, he will overtake you from behind, accompanied by dexterous nurses. Just don’t think that behind his back he hides a bouquet of flowers – flowers cost money. No, behind his back he again squeezes the same damned knife for chopping ice.

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